Mumma On A Mission

Have you ever listened to the voice inside your head that tells you that you cannot do something, you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve it or you can’t do that?  You know that little voice of doubt and self-criticism that loves to give you endless reasons why something you desire is not possible?  Have you ever wondered where those thoughts came from and what you have missed out on by not doing something due to the fear these thoughts created?

Babies and young infants have this amazing sense of adventure and curiosity coupled with fierce determination that tends to fizzle out as they get older and is often lost by the time they become an adult.

We’ve all seen the chaos toddlers can cause when they want something, which in one respect is quite admirable as they are so connected to their purpose yet as a mother I can appreciate the adult frustrations this brings.

We are all born with this survival spirit that has full faith in its abilities and no doubt whatsoever that it can’t be done so why is it so many of us lose this fiery passion?  I believe that as parents we have a bigger influence on this than what is fully appreciated.  So many times I have been at play centres or parks and heard parents tell other adults that their child can’t do this or their so lazy they won’t do that.  I have heard children be called stupid and even sworn at which personally I find appalling and disrespectful.  Of course I understand the importance of discipline yet as parents we are role models and teachers to our children and we need to teach constructively in a positive manner.

If my son says to me I can’t do it, I will always say of course you can, let’s find a way or do you want me to show you how you can?  Infants don’t give up learning to walk after their first few steps because they can’t do it and are always positively encouraged to persevere so why can’t we continually teach like this?

As parents I feel we need to be more conscious of the words we use around our children as well as be mindful of the tonality and energy that words have.  I always tell my son how much I love him that I think he’s amazing, kind, loving, generous, funny and many more positive attributes as I want his sense of self-worth and self-belief to be built on these foundations rather than doubtful negative ones.  This is not done from a narcissistic perspective but from a place of love that will help to nurture and grow his self confidence in a positive way which I hope will ensure he grows up with a proactive can do attitude and willing to give anything a go.  Only time will tell ……….

Ask any solo parent to sum up single parenting in one word and they will probably use the words relentless, non-stop or demanding!  There is always another job to do, another chore to be completed and for many it can be challenging to enjoy a rest or take time out to stop.

I can honestly say there are days when I wake up, or I should say I am woken up by my little guy and do think how nice it would be if there was the other parent around to do the morning routine so I can enjoy the luxury of lay in.  Somedays I would love to be brought a cuppa in the morning, for someone else to make breakfast plus help get ready for the day and even do the school run.

It safe to say there are many days when it would be nice for someone else to worry about the cleaning, washing, groceries and cooking.  Afterall who doesn’t love a meal cooked for them by someone else and then not have to worry about washing up the dishes.

Some days the monotony of the bedtime routine with the requests for just one more book do get tiresome and it would be lovely to pass the baton over and relax with the feet up whilst this was being done.

Some day as a solo parent it can feel lonely and overwhelming, especially during emotional rollercoasters and knowing the best way to discipline and raise a little person.

Of course, the grass is not always greener on the other side.  I am well aware that being in a cohabiting relationship with both parents does not mean that the chores are always split equally and I have been on the side of the fence where they are around and still assumed the main role of responsibility on all levels.

I am sure that every parent, solo or not, has days where they wish someone was there to do a bit extra to help them.  I am truly grateful to all of my support crew that help when I need, who are there for my son and I without questions or conditions.  The ones I can count on no matter what.

It is this that I remind myself of during the tough days, during the days of self-doubt.  No matter what you’re situation in life is, never underestimate the value of those around you.

Starting school is a significant occasion and now my little guy has turned 5 the daily school run is quickly becoming part of our normal routine.  The craziness of kids and parents rushing to one spot for a specific time is chaotic when first experienced and reminded me of the rat race of commuting to London in my legal secretary days!

Many times before he started I was asked how I felt about it and my honest answer was totally fine, I mean its not like you don’t know from the day they are born that they are going to start school yet it does signify that they are growing up and becoming more independent which can an emotional milestone.

We had organized his uniform, bag, PE kit and shoes in plenty of time so it was not a last minute rush and yes he is currently growing into his uniform as it I did what all parents do and got the next size up so he gets the most amount of wear possible from it.

Seeing him dressed for his first day did make my heart swell with pride as did his little face which was smiling brightly for he was excited to be starting.

The drop off on the first day was not as emotional for me as everyone had told me it would, it was like I was being challenged to not be able to leave with dry eyes.  The little guy confidently walked into school holding my hand and was happy to be shown where to put his belongings.

When it came to the time to say goodbye, we did our usual high five, knuckles, cuddles routine and gave each other a big kiss.  As I walked away I heard him calling ‘bye Mumma’ and turned to see him waving at me with a happy excited look on his face before turning away to explore, play and meet his classmates.

How could this make me cry?  Knowing I have raised a son who is confident, happy and able to adapt to new situations means I am doing this right.  Seeing how he was on his first day put a huge smile on my face not tears in my eyes.

On his second day of school he was so excited to return he was dressed and ready to go at 7am saying ‘Mumma, is school open yet?’, to which I replied no son!  Thankfully though now the early rising is slowly fading as the tiredness of school every day kicks in!

 

Recently I taught my little guy how to jump off a swing and I was so proud of his bravery that I filmed it and shared it on social media.  This post was received with mixed comments by other which ranged from wow you are a super mumma to oh my gosh this is dangerous, why would you do that!  My response being he is a child, he is a fit active little boy so why would I not?  My son and I have an incredible bond and he follows my lead.  He watches how I do something, I teach him and then its his turn to try.  He knew I would catch him and I know my son well enough to know his capabilities.

Recently we celebrated his 5^th birthday and I reflected on all that he has achieved in his lifetime so far – he is a well travelled boy, having been round the world 6 times, he can swim, play rugby, run and climb.  He regularly attends a martial arts class, he has ridden roller coaster rides, he learnt how to ride a bike without stabilisers when he was 4. I’ve taken him swinging through tree tops, sent him down zip wires and taken him 200ft underground.  He’s been on jetboats, driven around the Top Gear track by a professional sports car driver and been on cable cars up mountains.

I believe life is about having adventures and making incredible memories with those you love.  This attitude clearly has rubbed off on my son as I have encouraged him to try anything and everything.  When he was a baby I taught him how to climb out of his cot properly as he was going to do it anyway so I may as well teach him the right way.  Of course I am conscious of his safety at all times yet I refuse to bubble wrap him and tell him he is not capable of doing something.  I will always encourage him in the right way as then I know if he does fall without me present then he can land and look after himself. If I teach him to be strong and confident now at a young age, this gives me confidence for his future and ability to look after himself.  This is the role of a parent I feel, to set your child up to live a life where they are willing to try, where they are willing to push through a little fear to experience the excitement of achieving new heights.

Seeing my little guy’s face light up when he tries something new and pushes through to do something he didn’t think possible is an incredible feeling.  I love teaching him this life lesson and know it will set him up for hurdles ahead in all aspects of life.

I am also aware that these early teachings could well come back to bite me when he decides to be a thrill seeking adrenalin junkie base jumping warrior!!  But you know what at least I know I’ve been successful in teaching him to follow his passion and live life to the fullest.

Sometimes I reflect on where I am in my life and question whether or not I could have done things differently to ensure I didn’t end up as a single mother and every time the answer comes back that I had to go through the experiences I did to become the person I am today.

I can remember being in this bubble of stress and uncertainty which felt like I was riding an emotional roller coaster on a daily basis.  At the time I knew the situation I was living in did not make me feel good and it was the awareness I had of the impact this could have on my son that pushed me into making some tough decisions.

I am grateful I had the strength and determination to create positive changes for my son and yes it has been one of the hardest experiences of my life yet I’ve known intuitively it was the right thing to do.  There are still times I am saddened by the loss of how I expected family life should be and in truth I stuck with trying to make things work as a family for a long time as my life plan was not to be a single parent.

I had to have a look at what was actually real life rather than cling onto an ideology of how I wanted life to be.  Whilst this was confronting, it really was the catalyst to those tough decisions – I simply asked myself how long is long enough to live in an unhappy marriage.  I could see things were not going to change and for the sake of my son, and most importantly myself I took ownership of my situation and worked to change it.

There are times I can see others going through similar experiences that I had, I have even listened to others troubled times and offered advice to help increase their confidence and self-belief with making the best decision for them.

Going solo is far from easy yet it is possible.  With a bit of grit, determination and amazing support network I have created a stress free independent home life with my little guy.  A home that is full of love, laughter and adventure and this I treasure every day.

I am often told that people admire me for all that I do to create a life for my son and yes sometimes it is relentless and hard.  I’m the one who has to ensure that he is looked after on all levels.  I am the one who works hard to ensure he has a comfortable home with toys and books that he loves.  It is my responsibility to provide him with clothes, organise his meals and take him to preschool during the week as well as his clubs, social catch ups and friends parties.  Most nights, if I am not working, I ensure he has clean pyjamas and teeth before tucking him into bed with a good night story.  I’m also the one who is there in the small hours when he needs cuddles and comfort to help return to sleep and sometimes that involves being pushed to the edge of my double bed so he can sleep.

I am the one who teaches him how to ride a bike and take him on adventures to learn about life as well as have new experiences.  I have to care for him when he is hurt or sick plus make decisions about his wellbeing and education.  I am the one who provides discipline, who teaches him right from wrong.  I am the one to teach him kindness, compassion and to live his truth.  I am responsible for teaching him boundaries and what is acceptable behaviour both from him and how he should be treated.

This is an incredible amount of pressure and responsibility which honestly is overwhelming sometimes and I do wonder how I juggle all of this as well as do my work and have something that resembles my own life.

I do find that there are times I feel lost or unsure as to what is best to do for my son.  It is difficult to know if my choices and decisions of what I think is best are right or not.

All I do really know is that even though it’s hard, even though it is relentless and even though I frequently feel like I am winging it, I know I am giving my best to my son every day that I can to ensure that he has the best life……… because if I don’t, then who does?  The buck stops with me and there is no one else and knowing that drives me every day, even on the tough ones